I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
she told me i tasted like america
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Watching her eat just hurts me
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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