Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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