don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize