If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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