Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
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