she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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