I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
