I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
