I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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