Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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