mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
