So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
