Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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