He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
