I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
