Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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