I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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