Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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