Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
