Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
