Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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