I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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