I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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