In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
