who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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