i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
