does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
