life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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