dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
