If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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