Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
