He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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