Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
