i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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