my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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