Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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