people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize