Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
