I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
