It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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