Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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