Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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