I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
