I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
