I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
