what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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