Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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