All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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