you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
