Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
