so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize