dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
