i already hear my dad disowning me
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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