I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
