so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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