Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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