there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I have surprise drugs for everyone
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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