dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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