Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
someone owes me an orgasm
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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