I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
