Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
