Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
