he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
