I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize