Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
