Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
