he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
