Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
