Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Panties = found
Randomize
