your parents love me but you hate me
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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