moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He felt like a one man threesome
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
