is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
