The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
